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Monday

 Dear S, I survived the weekend. It was a pretty good time with the girls. We went to a couple of events to celebrate the end of the school year: One was a family party at a local farm with live music and bouncy castles; the other was a father daughter dance, which was so sweet. Things went fine with the ex, we even drove in the same car to both events. I was supposed to spend today with T but he had to reschedule. I'm disappointed but I understand. It would have been a welcome distraction from missing you. I'm glad we had that final walk. Leading up to it, I was unsure what benefit it could bring, but in hindsight I'm relieved that we had that time together to say a proper goodbye. I was a better version of myself with you in my life. I was taking better care of myself and my kids. I'm a bit sluggish the past 24 hours. It's hard when my day lacks structure. I'm trying to keep going, to keep fresh the fond memories of what little time we had. I'm glad I got
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Day 1

 Dear S, It's been less than a day since our final walk and I miss you. This morning, I had cheesy eggs for breakfast and the cheese tasted like pickle juice. It's a gorgeous 74-degree day outside but the colors in the trees read as faded and distant. My cup was full and now there's a huge hole in the bottom. I'm taking my meds at night like I'm supposed to. I started a couple of days ago when I couldn't stop crying. This loss reminds me of my miscarriages. The first one, I had a feeling it wouldn't stick so I never got super excited about the pregnancy. But I wanted it. The second one felt wonderful. I was sure we would meet this baby. The hormones were like a runner's high. When I started hemorrhaging, I was calm. I knew it was over. When I was in the hospital, I looked for my baby in the clots. I wanted to hold it and say goodbye. I wanted it to know that it was loved, and always would be. But I never found it, and I never knew why I lost it. I was sc
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